We went to see my best friend’s new baby girl, Taylor. She is beautiful!

Samira has been a wonderful friend to me, she is a warm, kind, and deeply interesting person. She has a great sense of humor and so dedicated and focused on her goals. We met at college when I went back to school to finish my degree. I don’t think I would have finished without her kindness and encouragement; there were many times I wanted to quit. Since then she has also gotten a Master’s degree! I am so proud of her. Congratulations on your beautiful baby girl Samira!

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I shared two houses with a friend for about 4 years years ago. One house was an up & down 2-family, the other was a side by side 2-family. So we weren’t actually roommates but still, for all intents and purposes lived together. I know exactly what you are going through…it is very hard when your room/house mate does not parent as you do.

My friend would not only ignore her kids sometimes, she would scream and curse at them as well. And also hit them with shoes and other various objects. I felt like, I’m going to say something because this mess is crazy, it’s getting on my nerves. Telling her that, saying “You know when you call your kids little motherfuckers and dumb bitches at the top of your lungs it really irritates me” worked a lot better than telling her “You are doing extreme damage to your children by cursing and yelling at them” or “Your parenting sucks, big-time” or “If you throw one more shoe at them I’m going to beat you with my boot, see how you like it” all things I told her which pissed her off to no end and resulted in us not talking for a while.

Maybe you could sit your room mate down and tell her how the situation makes YOU feel…yes, her concern should be for the effects her behavior/parenting style is having on her son but sometimes saying that directly hurts the mother’s feelings to the extent she won’t listen to you…she may honestly have no idea that she is doing anything wrong or she may feel that this method of parenting works best for her and her child. I know when I was younger (I was a teen mom) nothing got my back up more than someone telling me how to parent my child even when I was able to intellectually realize that they were telling me something that would benefit her.

So if you make it all about you, telling her that it bothers you when she ignores her son because then he whines and that aggravates you, she may make an effort to change things just so as not to irritate you. As opposed to making an effort to change because you think her parenting sucks or because she realizes such a change would benefit her son and greatly enhance his life.

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

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The Alpha mom was often popular OR unpopular in high school and has usually remained stuck in teenage patterns of relating to other people. She interacts with other mothers in the same way she did with other teenagers when she was in high school. She uses the same methods, often subconsciously, to rank herself against other mothers and to establish a pecking order within her social group. She is consistent with being aggressive with people right from the start.

When you are involved with a new school, neighborhood, playground, or other mother-child setting, you may feel the easiest way to make friends is to befriend the Alpha mom, since she seems to know everybody and be involved with everything. Watch out. The Alpha mom may seem nice at first, but her friendship comes with the high price of your compliance. If she cannot control your opinions or steam-roll you into silence, she will, in her mind, become your enemy and feel the battle-lines are drawn. Why? The Alpha mom, like all controlling personalities, has a tenuous grasp on her self-esteem and core identity. She feels most strongly connected to the world through other people. Thus when she can’t control or subjugate people she comes into contact with or loses control of people she comes into contact with, it feels very emotionally painful to her. So because from her perception you deeply hurt her feelings by not agreeing with her (on whatever) she feels that you are against her.

What do you do if an Alpha mom decides you are her enemy? Cease communication while waving the white flag. Remember that to her you two are rivals, enemies, bitterest foes, while in your mind she’s just some woman you had a minor disagreement about staying home with kids versus working outside the home. Or whatever. You can become an enemy to an Alpha mom over an argument about home-baked cookies versus store-bought cookies, really. The Alpha Mom needs to dominate to feel connected to the world, so if she sees you as being not dominant or passive she may see you as being unconnected or not worth bothering with, and may then leave you alone. Show her you have no interest in dominating her or taking over her position as Alpha Mom by retreating from any argument or fight she tries to start with you. After a few times she will be satisfied that she has shown you she’s boss and that she has ‘punked you out’, and she will leave you alone. Remember it’s unimportant if she thinks you are weak. The goal is to get her to leave you alone.

The Alpha mom does not handle rejection very well. The emotionally mature adult understands that not every person they like will be interested in friendship with them. The Alpha mom does not understand this, and will take a rebuff of friendship as a deep personal insult. What do you do if an Alpha mom decides she wants to be your friend? If you are very secure with yourself and emotionally healthy, you may feel able to handle a friendship with someone like this. Alpha moms often have attractive traits and can be fun to be around occasionally. You may feel it’s worth your while to be her friend. But if you are struggling with self esteem issues and/or you are working to become emotionally healthy, a friendship with an Alpha mom can consume your free time and make you feel tired, nervous, depressed, or anxious. If this is the case, you can gently rebuff or get out of a friendship with an Alpha mom by placing all the blame for your negative interactions with her on yourself. Try telling her that you are immature and you simply cannot handle talking with her or being her friend. She may get upset and call you names and in general throw the adult equivalent of a temper tantrum, but keep in mind she would have done this anyway, or else driven you crazy with her domineering and aggressive personality. By using this tactic you have cut the crazy short and saved yourself from engaging in useless debates as well as painful arguments with her.

It’s ok to do this.You have a right to pick and choose who you want to be friends with. You do not have to be friends with someone who is aggressive just because they are another mother.

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Through testimonies from Black women survivors, commentaries from acclaimed African-American women scholars and community leaders, impacting archival footage, spirited music, dance, and performance poetry, NO! unveils the reality of rape, other forms of sexual violence, and healing in African-American communities. What does it look like to visually make central that which has been placed on the margins and on the periphery?

Moving from enslavement of African people in the United States through present day, NO! moves from rage/trauma/emotional and physical pain to meditation to action to healing where the consciousness of the featured Black women survivors of rape and sexual assault, who range in age, geographic location, and sexual orientation, transforms from victim to survivor to educator, activist, and healer. In NO! Aishah Shahidah Simmons feminizes African-American history while simultaneously addressing the rape and sexual assault of Black women and girls.

screening at:
University of Illinois, Chicago
Tuesday, April 18, 2006
African American Cultural Center at 3:00pm

for more information check out the filmmaker, Aishah Simmons website. www.notherapedocumentary.org and for an in-depth screening list, please go to www.notherapedocumentary.org/events.html

I also saw a listing for a screening in Cleveland, but could find no location information on the linked site:
AIDS Task Force of Greater Cleveland
Friday, April 14, 2006
www.aidstaskforce.org

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