Parents with two or more kids…what do you think about your family members wanting to take only one of your children at a time in order to spend time with them? do you allow relatives to regularly (I’m not talking every once in a while, I’m talking on a regular basis) take one kid and not the other? or do you feel like that would (or has) created an issue with your kids so don’t allow it?

my answer:

There are years between each of my kids and they each have distinct areas of interest, so it hasn’t caused any issues, because the one-on-one situations are generally age-specific or interest-specific things.

There are 5 years between my oldest and second, and 8 years between my oldest and third child. So for example when my sons were babies/toddlers/preschoolers, they would not have been able to handle a leisurely long afternoon at the mall or going to a show. Sometimes my mother-in-law would take just my daughter to do stuff like that. Another example, my daughter is big into fashion design and so likes fabric stores and knitting stores, craft stores, etc. My sister-in-law got into knitting a few years ago, so she would take my daughter to places like that but not my sons because they have no interest in it. Or my son S-bop, he really likes sports, football and basketball especially. Sometimes one of my husband’s uncles who has season passes/tickets and can’t go to a game, so he gives his free tickets to Mercury Man and/or my father-in-law. They’ll take just S-bop but not T-bop because he just doesn’t like sports all that much. Another example, T-bop likes art & music stuff, so my in-laws would take just him to a gallery opening but not S-bop because he just doesn’t like that all that much.

I’m not a scorekeeper but honestly, it all evens out. Keep in mind that as your kids get older, in the teen years, there is less chance for one-on one interaction with relatives because of the teen’s school/work/extracurricular/socializing with friends schedules, but that doesn’t mean the relative loves one child more just because they are able to see them more, or that your older child will feel slighted because the younger ones get to spend more one-on-one time with the relatives.

One thing I regret is that when my boys were small, when I was stuck on seeing every intention of my mother-in-law’s toward my kids as antagonistic to me or whatever, I prevented her many times from spending one-on-one time with them. I was all No you have to take them both blah blah blah. Sometimes she would just be trying to help me out! Like she’d drop by and say, I know it’s T-bop’s nap time, but I was wondering if I could take S-bop with me to (wherever). Instead of thinking Oh joy! I get a few free hours to myself while T-bop naps and S-bop is gone with her, I’d get all salty and turn it into her showing favoritism or some other crap. and it didn’t matter which boy, T-bop is her only biological grandchild but she treats them all the same. for example another time she might have wanted to take T-bop somewhere when S-bop was in school. No matter which son I’d turn it into her showing favoritism. gah, I was too simple for words. but eventually I relaxed on this, and it has been of big benefit to my children.
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If you are a step-mother you must also enlist your husband’s support. He has to back you with this; the food issues, the discipline, etc. This is sometimes hard for fathers to do because they feel guilty at not being with the child’s mom or whatever and are often more lenient than if their child or children lived with them full-time. My dad was much less indulgent after my siblings permanently lived with us.

And lastly, no matter what, do not ever criticize your step-child’s mother to the child. Her parenting style may be different, the two of you may never be friends or ever get along, but she is the mother of this wonderful child or children in your life (who will also be siblings to any child you have with their father). They will forever be family so you should respect his mother and say kind things about her to him. When my siblings got older one of the things they said they appreciated about my mother was that she always asked how their mother was doing and never said anything nasty about her to them.

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This was a random beach ball that was floating way out in Lake Erie…we were pretty far out when we saw it. The boys said we should get it, grandpa! and my father-in-law said Ok! and revved the boat up and turned around. It took a couple of passes to get close enough to get it. It was hysterical, oh my goodness. We laughed and laughed.

If you want to see all the boating pics, just click on any of these pics and it will take you to my photostream on flickr.

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http://www.trulakids.com/?p=472 Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> I have been with Mercury Man 11 years, married for 8, and I have been through the war with his mother and back. We have both undergone a lot growth and maturity so that has helped a great deal. Here are some things that helped me and might help you is you are having issues with your mother-in-law:

1. I realized I was responsible for my response to her and it was on me to change. Most people just become more of what they are as they get older, so as you are much younger than she is you have the advantage of being more flexible and open to change than she does. She can change, it’s just a whole lot harder and painful than it will be for you. So don’t wait on her and expect her to change. You can control how she affects you though…you do not have to let her get under your skin.

2. I realized that Mercury Man needed to talk to her about respecting our home, our parenting, our relationship. You can look in any marriage/relationship book, talk to any counselor. Most will tell you that in any in-law problem the child of the in-law has to be the one to say something to the in-law. Once he did this, and repeatedly did it, it helped ease tension between he and I over his mother and me and her tremendously.

3. Take her seriously when she says wacky things to you. When she says she feels sorry for you that you can’t keep a clean house, try saying I know! I really struggle with housecleaning. I see how you keep your home and it’s lovely. Will you please give me some housecleaning tips? She will be so surprised and overjoyed, let me tell you. When Mercury Man and I got together and my MIL said something similar to me like being sorry I couldn’t cook, I got pissed, I saw red, all that. Then after a few years I asked her for some cooking tips and a few recipes, and made a point of telling her I cooked them and the kids and Mercury Man loved them. She has never once since then made a comment about me not being able to cook. I even think if I were to ask her, she probably wouldn’t even remember every saying anything rude to me like that. But I remember because it hurt my feelings so bad and I chose to fixate on it rather than letting it go or not take it personally.

4. Develop a sense of humor about her. I discovered the show Everybody Loves Raymond a few years ago (when it had been in syndication for years, I hardly every watch TV so I thought it was a new show ha!) and it is one of my favorite shows because the relationship between the wife and her MIL mirrored my own in so many ways. There is this one episode where the husband’s mom took up sculpting, and she made this large abstract that looked like a coochie and gave it to her son and his wife!! So anytime your MIL gets on your nerves…tell yourself at least she’s not giving a statue of her personals to ya’ll, LOL

Here’s a good site to vent/laugh about MILS:
http://www.motherinlawstories.com/

5. Last but most important…appreciate her for who she is and how important she is in your life. Without her you wouldn’t have your husband, or child! This is the woman that gave birth to your man, and whatever her flaws are she love him and just wants the best for him. And try not to be jealous of her relationship with your kids. Having a loving relationship with grandparents is very beneficial to children.

That said, you and your husband certainly can set boundaries for her as far as the level of interaction you want her to have with your kids, and require her to respect your home and family.

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]]> http://www.trulakids.com/2007/04/mil-madness/feed/ 0 http://www.trulakids.com/2007/03/the-first-sunday-of-spring/ http://www.trulakids.com/2007/03/the-first-sunday-of-spring/#comments Tue, 27 Mar 2007 16:19:00 +0000 Trula http://www.trulakids.com/?p=458 Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.]]> We spent last Sunday, the first Sunday of Spring hanging out in the back yard, roasting veggie dogs (Mercury Man had meat-dogs!!) till it got dark:

Here I am, chilling. It was a beautiful day, really crisp still but the sun was warm and bright. I still needed a jacket!

i-bop ran in and out of the house but mostly she stayed in, a few of her friends dropped by and then they went out. Then s-bop went up to the park with some friends, then t-bop went to play with the little boy next door. So by late afternoon it was just me and Mercury Man, relaxing by the fire. It was really nice, just us two, quietly talking. It’s funny how and when it hits me that I have big kids who can go off and socialize on their own and stuff…sometimes I feel sad that soon they’ll be grown and gone but other times, like this Sunday, I get a glimpse of my life and relationship with just us two, and it’s…nice.

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