Parents with two or more kids…what do you think about your family members wanting to take only one of your children at a time in order to spend time with them? do you allow relatives to regularly (I’m not talking every once in a while, I’m talking on a regular basis) take one kid and not the other? or do you feel like that would (or has) created an issue with your kids so don’t allow it?

my answer:

There are years between each of my kids and they each have distinct areas of interest, so it hasn’t caused any issues, because the one-on-one situations are generally age-specific or interest-specific things.

There are 5 years between my oldest and second, and 8 years between my oldest and third child. So for example when my sons were babies/toddlers/preschoolers, they would not have been able to handle a leisurely long afternoon at the mall or going to a show. Sometimes my mother-in-law would take just my daughter to do stuff like that. Another example, my daughter is big into fashion design and so likes fabric stores and knitting stores, craft stores, etc. My sister-in-law got into knitting a few years ago, so she would take my daughter to places like that but not my sons because they have no interest in it. Or my son S-bop, he really likes sports, football and basketball especially. Sometimes one of my husband’s uncles who has season passes/tickets and can’t go to a game, so he gives his free tickets to Mercury Man and/or my father-in-law. They’ll take just S-bop but not T-bop because he just doesn’t like sports all that much. Another example, T-bop likes art & music stuff, so my in-laws would take just him to a gallery opening but not S-bop because he just doesn’t like that all that much.

I’m not a scorekeeper but honestly, it all evens out. Keep in mind that as your kids get older, in the teen years, there is less chance for one-on one interaction with relatives because of the teen’s school/work/extracurricular/socializing with friends schedules, but that doesn’t mean the relative loves one child more just because they are able to see them more, or that your older child will feel slighted because the younger ones get to spend more one-on-one time with the relatives.

One thing I regret is that when my boys were small, when I was stuck on seeing every intention of my mother-in-law’s toward my kids as antagonistic to me or whatever, I prevented her many times from spending one-on-one time with them. I was all No you have to take them both blah blah blah. Sometimes she would just be trying to help me out! Like she’d drop by and say, I know it’s T-bop’s nap time, but I was wondering if I could take S-bop with me to (wherever). Instead of thinking Oh joy! I get a few free hours to myself while T-bop naps and S-bop is gone with her, I’d get all salty and turn it into her showing favoritism or some other crap. and it didn’t matter which boy, T-bop is her only biological grandchild but she treats them all the same. for example another time she might have wanted to take T-bop somewhere when S-bop was in school. No matter which son I’d turn it into her showing favoritism. gah, I was too simple for words. but eventually I relaxed on this, and it has been of big benefit to my children.
This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Trula Kids!

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This has been triggered by a lot of stuff. Yesterday I-bop went with me to our favorite thrift store, and then hung out at home talking with me for hours. She’s always so busy with school or work or her music or fashion, not to mention social life, I hardly get to see her. She’s 19 now, a grown woman and same height as me, but when she hugged me it was like holding my little baby girl again. I asked her to go somewhere with me next week and she’s all, Nah, that’s ok.

What!

And there’s S-bop, age 14, who is now taller than me, voice deepening, and more mannish-acting by the second. Lately he’s been acting like everything I say is the dumbest thing ever. And T-bop, age 11, today I had to drive him to school as we all woke up late. When I dropped him off, he’s like, DON’T get out the car to hug me. Bye mom, later.

What!

Who are these people anyway, grown and half-grown folks acting like I’m just anybody. When they were small, these children used to stand up and cheer when I walked in the door. They would sometimes even cry if I went somewhere without them. They used to follow me around the house and go through my things, they were fascinated by me. I felt like a rockstar in my own home. How do you go from that, from sitting outside the door when your mom is on the can to treating her like she’s irrelevant to your life?

It feels like rejection, but I understand it’s not really, this is a normal part of their growing up and forming their own identities as separate human beings from me and so forth. But jeez, it hurts.

So I know the only reason I want another baby now is because I want to be someone else’s universe again, to have that level of love feedback and adoration that is, when it comes down to it, based on the dependence a baby/small child has on their mother. What does that say about me? That I have a long way to go in regards to personal growth, for sure. I need to be content with being my own universe!

My babies when wee:

S-bop:

T-bop:

I-bop:

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Trula Kids!

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Here he is a little over a year later, October 2008, again note his height next to my daughter:

Now my daughter is the same height as me, 5 ft 6 inches. Today, December 2008, in his stocking feet, my son is taller than me in my heeled boots. I don’t even wear heels usually! I just took to wearing them because I was just not ready to look up to my baby boy yet. I feel…so proud and happy and sad all at once. He’s so proud of his height and growth, he reminds me of when he was a wee boy just wearing real underwear, you know? My baby!

*sob*

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Trula Kids!

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I have 3 children. Oldest, Middle, Youngest. When my kids were small I scoffed at birth order and was determined to parent them all the same. Now they are ages 19, 13, and 10, and somewhere along the way I realized I lost my drive to parent them ‘the same’. It’s impossible, so I re-set my goals to parent each child, to respond to each child in the ways they each individually needed. I also tried to be aware of how their birth order might affect their personalities and perception of themselves. It still came as a shock to me to read up on birth order recently and see how each of my children fit so neatly into those roles.

Oldest
The oldest is often the leader and a “good citizen,” responsible and responsive to the parents’ expectations. Oldest children are typically well organized, precise, and prone to perfectionism. Yes, this is my daughter I-bop. From a very young age she has shown emotional maturity beyond her years and consistently sets and reaches her goals. She is a leader among her siblings, with her friends, and in work situations. People remark all the time how good she is, how responsible she is to be so young. She’s always been this way.

Middle
Middle children have less of a clear-cut role in the family; instead, they often make a place for themselves outside the family, creating a network of close friends, venturing away from the family physically, and breaking the mold intellectually as well. Middle children often take on the role of mediator and peacemaker. Yes, this is my son S-bop. He is known for breaking up fights among his friends and often settles disputes among himself and sister and brother. In discussions he tends to take on ideas that diverge from some of our family beliefs. He is very gregarious and makes friends the easiest of my children.

Youngest
Youngest children tend to take on the “baby” role: easygoing and spontaneous, used to being noticed and fussed over, charming and sometimes manipulative. Youngest children tend to be very creative and to work in the arts as adults. Yes, this is my son T-bop. He is known for being easy-going and laid-back, and teachers always call him ‘charming’ and ‘delightful’. He is also very artistic, having participated in art fairs and draws on a nearly daily basis.

Some things I notice that I did and I stopped: I stopped referring to my sons as ‘my oldest son’ and my ‘youngest son’; instead I generally refer to them by name. I stopped expecting my daughter to take on responsibility for things and urged her to be more spontaneous and carefree about life.

Some things I do that I’m going to stop: all my kids are ‘my babies’ but with T-bop I still call him/introduce him as my baby, my youngest. It just occurred to me I do that. I also tend to let him slack off way more than either I-bop or S-bop at his age. With I-bop she’s always been so responsible, I tend to assume a lot of her and perhaps I’m contributing to/causing her to take on too much at a young age. With S-bop I tend to treat him as somewhat irresponsible, so perhaps I am not requiring out of him what he is in fact capable.

I’m also going to increase the amount of time I spend alone with each child, taking them out alone. I have slacked on that this past year. I have noticed before that when they are by themselves, their personality really shines through and they don’t act the big sister or the middle brother or the baby of the family; they are just them.

More on birth order and personality

This blog entry written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

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