I’m having baby fever…a sudden intense longing to have another baby. I know it will pass, because I truly do not want more kids. But sometimes I miss my babies as well, babies.

This has been triggered by a lot of stuff. Yesterday I-bop went with me to our favorite thrift store, and then hung out at home talking with me for hours. She’s always so busy with school or work or her music or fashion, not to mention social life, I hardly get to see her. She’s 19 now, a grown woman and same height as me, but when she hugged me it was like holding my little baby girl again. I asked her to go somewhere with me next week and she’s all, Nah, that’s ok.

What!

And there’s S-bop, age 14, who is now taller than me, voice deepening, and more mannish-acting by the second. Lately he’s been acting like everything I say is the dumbest thing ever. And T-bop, age 11, today I had to drive him to school as we all woke up late. When I dropped him off, he’s like, DON’T get out the car to hug me. Bye mom, later.

What!

Who are these people anyway, grown and half-grown folks acting like I’m just anybody. When they were small, these children used to stand up and cheer when I walked in the door. They would sometimes even cry if I went somewhere without them. They used to follow me around the house and go through my things, they were fascinated by me. I felt like a rockstar in my own home. How do you go from that, from sitting outside the door when your mom is on the can to treating her like she’s irrelevant to your life?

It feels like rejection, but I understand it’s not really, this is a normal part of their growing up and forming their own identities as separate human beings from me and so forth. But jeez, it hurts.

So I know the only reason I want another baby now is because I want to be someone else’s universe again, to have that level of love feedback and adoration that is, when it comes down to it, based on the dependence a baby/small child has on their mother. What does that say about me? That I have a long way to go in regards to personal growth, for sure. I need to be content with being my own universe!

My babies when wee:

S-bop:

T-bop:

I-bop:

This blog entry written by Trula. Thanks for visiting Trula Kids!

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