I have a knee-jerk response to the idea of male teenage babysitters as well as a distrust and fear of grown men being child-care providers.

When I thought about why I felt a male teenage babysitter was ‘wrong’, my initial concern wasn’t that they would sexually abuse my children, because in my experience most teenage boys are not sexually attracted to children. Most teenage boys are not pedophiles and the ones that are usually were molested as children. No, my concern was that they would be violent with my children or not understand age-appropriate behavior or limits. For example, letting them watch a violent movie or allowing my sons to skateboard off the porch or letting them stay up too late. Or if I had a baby or toddler, getting frustrated or upset when they cried and shaking them or hitting them. Stuff like that. I feel/felt that a teenage girl babysitter of the same age would know better and do better; would comprehend better when I explained what to do and not do.

Why do I think this? Partly because in general, girls mature emotionally and mentally faster than boys, with a lag of three years or so. So a 17 year old boy is, mentally, like a 14 year old girl. Partly because boys and men are, generally speaking, more aggressive and different in other ways than girls and women.

It’s also partly because of how sexism impacts the psyche of boys and men, how it often makes them view themselves. I read with interest some things about how men are more sexual and violent and stuff. One thing I have noticed about men that I feel compelled to bring up is how they often seem to feel the same way about themselves in regards to sex and violence.

Men often say or act as if they believe they are barely in control of themselves in regards to sex and violence, and that if they are ‘provoked’ in these areas it is the victim’s faults. Don’t believe me? Think about the typical male response when a woman is raped. The first thing most men want to know is where was she at, what was she wearing, and what time of day was it. Oh yeah and how old she was. Your average man will probably feel sympathy and horror about the rape of a 75 year old grandmother who was raped in the middle of the day in her own home, but what about at the rape of a 21 year old scantily-dressed college student who got raped at one in the morning when leaving a bar? A lot of guys, far too many men, would think…she deserved it and she provoked it. Remember when Mike Tyson raped that young woman, how many people, especially men, were like Well what was she doing in his hotel room at night? As if Tyson was perfectly reasonable for losing control under those circumstances.

It’s the same with non-sex violence, men often say or behave as if they are barely holding in their rage or as if under certain circumstances it’s ok for them to be violent with other people. Most bar fights, road rage, etc. are committed by men, for example.

So the way I feel men perceive themselves has a lot to do with how I interact with men and how I allow men to interact with my children. It seems to me that they feel they have little self-control when it comes to sex and violence; that they feel this is because they are male.

I am doing my best to do my part in raising boys who will not be predatory teens and predatory grown men. I must say, however, that I am not raising my sons in a bubble…they have been shaped and affected by living in this world as much as any other boy. They have been inundated and bombarded by all the messages, good and bad, of what it means to be male in this culture. I sometimes feel as if I were a little ant whispering in their ear against the backdrop of the roar of the ocean…do they even hear me? Is my influence enough? What can we mothers of sons do?

This blog post was written by Trula Breckenridge. Thanks for visiting Mama Specific Productions!

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