When making friends with other mothers it’s important to understand that people carry their personality issues with them into motherhood. Becoming a mother does not usually lesson an aggressive personality. On the contrary, it may actually increase how aggression manifests in someone with this personality. For the purposes of this post, I define an Alpha mom as a mother who is consistently aggressive and competitive with other mothers. She monopolizes conversations and insists upon leading any mother or child-oriented group she is a part of. She portrays herself as being ‘direct’ when really she is just rude.

The Alpha mom was often popular OR unpopular in high school and has usually remained stuck in teenage patterns of relating to other people. She interacts with other mothers in the same way she did with other teenagers when she was in high school. She uses the same methods, often subconsciously, to rank herself against other mothers and to establish a pecking order within her social group. She is consistent with being aggressive with people right from the start.

When you are involved with a new school, neighborhood, playground, or other mother-child setting, you may feel the easiest way to make friends is to befriend the Alpha mom, since she seems to know everybody and be involved with everything. Watch out. The Alpha mom may seem nice at first, but her friendship comes with the high price of your compliance. If she cannot control your opinions or steam-roll you into silence, she will, in her mind, become your enemy and feel the battle-lines are drawn. Why? The Alpha mom, like all controlling personalities, has a tenuous grasp on her self-esteem and core identity. She feels most strongly connected to the world through other people. Thus when she can’t control or subjugate people she comes into contact with or loses control of people she comes into contact with, it feels very emotionally painful to her. So because from her perception you deeply hurt her feelings by not agreeing with her (on whatever) she feels that you are against her.

What do you do if an Alpha mom decides you are her enemy? Cease communication while waving the white flag. Remember that to her you two are rivals, enemies, bitterest foes, while in your mind she’s just some woman you had a minor disagreement about staying home with kids versus working outside the home. Or whatever. You can become an enemy to an Alpha mom over an argument about home-baked cookies versus store-bought cookies, really. The Alpha Mom needs to dominate to feel connected to the world, so if she sees you as being not dominant or passive she may see you as being unconnected or not worth bothering with, and may then leave you alone. Show her you have no interest in dominating her or taking over her position as Alpha Mom by retreating from any argument or fight she tries to start with you. After a few times she will be satisfied that she has shown you she’s boss and that she has ‘punked you out’, and she will leave you alone. Remember it’s unimportant if she thinks you are weak. The goal is to get her to leave you alone.

The Alpha mom does not handle rejection very well. The emotionally mature adult understands that not every person they like will be interested in friendship with them. The Alpha mom does not understand this, and will take a rebuff of friendship as a deep personal insult. What do you do if an Alpha mom decides she wants to be your friend? If you are very secure with yourself and emotionally healthy, you may feel able to handle a friendship with someone like this. Alpha moms often have attractive traits and can be fun to be around occasionally. You may feel it’s worth your while to be her friend. But if you are struggling with self esteem issues and/or you are working to become emotionally healthy, a friendship with an Alpha mom can consume your free time and make you feel tired, nervous, depressed, or anxious. If this is the case, you can gently rebuff or get out of a friendship with an Alpha mom by placing all the blame for your negative interactions with her on yourself. Try telling her that you are immature and you simply cannot handle talking with her or being her friend. She may get upset and call you names and in general throw the adult equivalent of a temper tantrum, but keep in mind she would have done this anyway, or else driven you crazy with her domineering and aggressive personality. By using this tactic you have cut the crazy short and saved yourself from engaging in useless debates as well as painful arguments with her.

It’s ok to do this.You have a right to pick and choose who you want to be friends with. You do not have to be friends with someone who is aggressive just because they are another mother.

Subscribe to Mama Specific Productions by email

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.