My mother had me in bizarre situations that resulted in bad things happening to me as a child…without going into all the details, given the circumstances and her education and work (master’s degree in social work and years of doing social work with children) I wondered when I became an adult how on earth she could have let those things happen to me…She really should have known better. There is no excuse for her not having known better, so a part of me always thought she set me up deliberately to get hurt.

I have talked about this many times with my mother since becoming an adult, and I understand now that although she did indeed know better intellectually, emotionally she didn’t and emotionally she was/is grappling with issues that affect her self-esteem. Like many people, she has a hard time separating her children from herself. So even though she didn’t consciously want bad things to happen to us, on some level she didn’t think we were worthy not to have stuff happen. Because she felt that way about herself. That’s my amateur psychoanalysis, anyway, ha.

I love my mother very much but I have a hard time trusting her with my children, because I don’t feel she would keep them safe/protect them. But I love her and I love that my kids love their grandmother and get to see her. I deeply love my children and I’m doing my best to protect and take care of them. That goes a long way to helping me heal my feelings of being abandoned and unprotected regarding my mother.

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