The only 2 people who really know what’s going on in a marriage are the 2 people in it. Know and understand what this means. Not only does it mean that other folks can’t tell you what to do with your marriage, it also means that you shouldn’t even tell other folks about the inner workings of your marriage. Because all they know is what you tell them! They still don’t have the whole picture. Keep folks out of your marital business, especially your friends. This causes problems, I learned the hard way. Say you get mad at your husband. You go run off talking bad about him to your girlfriends. They may then tell you how he isn’t worth anything and give you a run-down on all the things they think are wrong with your man. Because you are pissed you agree whole-heartedly with their points. Then later after you and your husband have made up, it hits you what they said and you realize how negative they view your husband. So then you feel uncomfortable around your friends.

When you are angry, treat you spouse as you would a stranger or a co-worker. Think of your marriage as a workplace or school environment. You wouldn’t act the fool and call your boss or co-worker out of their name or throw stuff around if you were angry at work, right? Not if you want to keep your job you don’t. So when you are pissed with your spouse, don’t act the fool with them if you want to stay with them.

Stay on top of your health. Stay on top of your looks. It’s not just about you anymore so do what you can to keep yourself looking and feeling good. Many people think this is shallow but I think it is crucial in a marriage, especially a monogamous marriage. On health, why cause your spouse unnecessary pain and worry by engaging in stuff that you know aggravates a health condition you might have. On looks, why let yourself go? Keep your hygiene up, exercise and get or stay fit, look your best. Accidents happen, I’m not talking about scarring from an accident or as the result of cancer or even change from the normal aging process; anything like that. I’m talking about basic maintenance of your looks, hygiene and overall appearance.

Keep dating your spouse. At the very least go out somewhere together, just you two, without the kids, without any friends, at least once a month. Weekly is better but sometimes time and stuff gets in the way. Even if you can’t go out together weekly, set aside the time to talk and sit together at home. Be affectionate and cuddly with your spouse and tell them you love them frequently.

Be open to personal growth in your spouse. Don’t feel insecure or threatened by it. They will grow and change, especially if you married at a young age. I met my husband when he was 20 and I was 22. We started dating when I was 24 and he was 22. This year we are 35 and 33, and while I wouldn’t go so far as to say we are completely different people, we have grown in many different and sometimes unexpected ways. We both have had to be flexible, encouraging, and understanding of that growth.

That said, be aware that in other ways your spouse might not ever change and you can’t force any change.

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