One of my sisters has gone back to a destructive relationship. I don’t know what to do. I know there is nothing I can do, but I still feel like there is something, anything, some word or phrase I can say that will show her she is worth so much more than this.

She is bi-polar and has suffered mental illness for many years now. In spite of that she has had good jobs and been focused on finishing her degree, and maintained her independence. This person she is with she dated briefly when she was 19 and he was abusive to her then, it was a very toxic relationship. He was abusive to other people as well, and was in jail for assault and attempted murder (hence why I call him killerman). Last year (10 years after they first dated with zero communication in between) they got back together and she moved in with him. I am already saying too much so suffice it to say it was a volatile situation that triggered her having a nervous breakdown and attempting suicide. She lost her car, her job, and her apartment because of this man. This was just a few months ago. By December ’06 she came to her senses and left him, and returned home to recover at our parents’.

Yesterday I found out she has gone back to him. This man has treated my sister terribly, he has done everything to her short of hitting her. I believe he has hit her and she just won’t admit to it, but what he has done to her that she admits to, that she told me, is bad enough. I told her yesterday that by going back to him she has given him permission to do anything to her…so the abuse is going to escalate to physical abuse, it is going to get worse. I am not a fortune-teller but I am a survivor of domestic violence, and I know just how bad it can get.

I was so distraught yesterday, I felt like I was once again trapped in a relationship like that. I felt helpless, and so afraid for my sister. While I was talking to her I realized she had me on speaker phone and he was sitting right there! and he had the nerve, the audacity to start shouting and cursing at me when I told her not to bring him to my house. I shouted and cursed him right back. Then I asked her to take me off speakerphone, why couldn’t she talk to me without him having to hear it? That is a classic woman-beater move, listening in on all phone conversations and controlling what the woman can say (the man who abused me actually would take the phone whenever he left the house so I could not call anyone without his knowledge or permission. Crazy!). She then took me off speaker phone but I could tell he was still hovering in the background.

My poor sister. She sounded so crazy, like a cult member or something. She talked in this flat, calm, zombie voice and kept saying crazy stuff like “You don’t know the whole situation” and “You don’t know everything that’s going on…I would tell you but you already have your mind made up”. Um. Ok. What on earth could be ‘going on’ that would make me feel this is ok? She refused to tell me, probably because she knows there is no reason that would make going back to this abusive man ok. No reason at all.

I told her I cannot accept or support her in this. I just can’t. Part of me feels I am letting my sister down because I know she needs all the support and family ties she can get while living with an abusive man. But part of me is very angry and disgusted with her for trying to drag my family down into this mess. Our father is elderly and sick, he has cancer, and he just doesn’t need this type of worry and aggravation. Our mother is afraid if she doesn’t support my sister being with him, she will run off and get sick again and try to kill herself again. Both my parents are sick at heart, sick with worry and fear for her. Why would you make your parents feel this way? Why? I am getting an inkling of what my parents went through with me 15 years ago, have mercy.

It’s like my sister has no idea what this is doing to her family. Did she really expect us to accept him and welcome him? Is she that crazy, is she that delusional? I told her it’s just like if she asked me to watch her stand on the train tracks and wait for a train to hit her. I can see that train coming, I can hear it clear as day but I can’t make her get off the tracks. What am I supposed to do, watch her get hit? I can’t do that, I can’t do that, I JUST CANT DO THAT.

I also told her I have my own mental issues and I just can’t have her set me off like this. I still have nightmares and emotional problems from when I was being abused. I just cannot deal with knowing she is now going through something similar. I don’t have the emotional resources to deal with this. All day yesterday and last night my left eye was twitching after I talked to her, and I woke up with a horrible headache after a restless night of poor sleep. I can’t physically take this, at all. So I told her I just cannot walk down this path of craziness with her. I cannot allow her situation to turn me into a nervous, anxious, twitchy mess. I love her and care about her but I just have to…walk away from this.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.