I do think the world would be a fantastic place if we all acted out of love and self-acceptance instead of shame and fear. I think people feel ashamed sometimes because they feel it was their fault that they are in the situation they are in. Even if it is, they still should have enough food to eat.

I know this was how I felt for a long time. I felt ashamed that I had not been responsible and had done things that led up to my being poor and it’s fallout like being evicted, getting utilities turned off, etc. Or I felt ashamed that I couldn’t do better for my kids, move them somewhere with good schools or shame that I couldn’t afford private school. It took a minute for me to realize that economic status or not, my kids deserved to go to clean, safe, and academically competent schools just like the kids of the middle-class and wealthy. The shame wasn’t that I couldn’t afford to move to an upscale suburb (then) or pay for private schools, the shame was that this country does not provide equal public schools for all children regardless of the economic status of their parents.

In many ways when I look back on my life I feel a sense of shame that I allowed myself to be victimized by others, and didn’t take responsibility for myself at an earlier age. But – I do think that we have a responsibility to other people as well. I feel a sense of shame that I have not done what I can do to help others.

Pride is the flip-side of shame. It even can stop you from asking for help from your friends and family. It took a lot for me to feel ok with asking for help but now I do all the time. With my friends I was always the one to offer help but rarely the one to ask until I met my friend Michelle in ’96. If she saw I needed something she would just give it to me , she wouldn’t wait until I asked. She would get mad if I didn’t ask! She’d come over and see we’d have no bread, and be all, where’s the bread? I’d say, well Brian doesn’t get paid until tomorrow. She’d say, well why didn’t you tell me so!! Sheesh I’ve got 4 loaves of bread damn, Trula take one, HERE.

She was very generous with her time, money, car, food stamps, fun, everything. She didn’t have much but she freely shared everything she had. We shared two houses together and I could depend on her to watch my kids, I’d watch her kids, and so much more. Sometimes we’d scratch up enough ends to go rent a $2 movie and a bunch of popcorn for the kids, we’d put in the movie and get all the kids settled in and then go in the kitchen and talk and talk. Good times! That friendship taught me a lot and I have strived to be as giving as she was/is in all my subsequent friendships, and I expect my friends to be a resource for me.

Same with my family, although I hate to feel like I’m, letting anyone down or putting too much pressure on anybody in my family. I have the love and backing of my family, it’s just in the past I put a lot of pressure on myself to do stuff, to not have to depend on anybody.

I still have a lot of issues asking for help from strangers, institutions. This is because of my own experience with public assistance and WIC and whatnot…This is also because I now have a little money and we live in an affluent area, and I volunteered at a local food bank. The women there, the other volunteers, were very judgemental and condescending to the people coming in. A lot of the food donations coming in were yucky food that people didn’t want to keep themselves. And folks would drop off clothes because they thought the food bank processed clothing donations. A lot of it was old, stained, ugly clothing. I think there is a tremendous amount of disrespect about poor people, like if you’re poor you had better be grateful and not expect to have good-tasting food or nice clothes. I think if I were ever low on food again and my family and/or friends couldn’t help me it would be very hard for me to go to a food bank or in other ways ask strangers for help. I wouldn’t sit up and let my kids go hungry, but it would be very hard to ask.

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