So I am thinking of developing my pro-monogamy article into a book. I definitely plan to do a workshop on monogamy at the Mamagathering (of course we will also have one for polyamory! Still looking for 2 workshop co-ordinators for that one; I’ve asked 4 poly mamas who can’t come, any volunteers? know of anyone I could ask?) I am musing on ways that monogamy can work in a relationship.

#1 I think that in order for monogamy to work it has to be agreed on and talked about in detail before the relationship, at the very least during the relationship. It should not be assumed. Be honest about your sexual history with your partner. Be honest about what you want for your sexual future with your partner. If you know it is unlikely you will be faithful, be honest about that so that whoever you are dealing with can make an informed decision about whether to risk a monogamous relationship with you.

#2 I think that monogamy should not be a make-or-break the relationship deal. Like it shouldn’t be, if you cheat or your spouse cheats then you get a divorce or break-up. I think that encourages lying, because then the cheater isn’t honest because they know the relationship would be over. Humanity is a naturally promiscous species so both parties should understand it’s natural to want to sleep with other people and be understanding of a mess-up. More than once though perhaps the cheating party simply isn’t ready for or able to comitt to a monogamous relationship.

#3 I think that each person in a monogamous relationship should be willing to monitor the relationship and be responsible for the health of the relationship. Pay attention to each other emotionally and physically.

#4 I think in a monogamous relationship your partner should be your go-to person. Like when something is upsetting you they should be the first one you go to about it. Even if, especially if it is them upsetting you. You should not have a go-to person outside of your relationship that you put before your spouse. Like my husband’s go-to person used to be his mom, and I had a male friend who used to be my go-to person. This really cuts down on the emotional intimacy you have with your partner and can lead to you not trusting each other. Trust is essential in a mongamous relationship.

#5 I think that in a monogamous relationship you should be willing to try new things sexually. This can be very hard to do, frightening even if you have sexual issues or abuse issues. If you truly want a monogamous relationship though I think you owe it to your partner and yourself to keep your sex life spicy. Funk it up; do new things and bring that sexual freshness into your relationship.

#6 I think in a monogamous relationship you have to have trust. You have to trust your partner and yourself completely. If you can’t trust your partner, ask yourself why. If you can’t trust yourself, ask yourself why…you may need to work on abuse issues or something. I have a friend who has never said no to sex, ever, even from people she did not want to have sex with. Because she had been sexually abused by her uncle as a child. So when she was grown she often found herself cheating with her boyfriends’ friends and her sister’s boyfriends and even random strangers. She did not know how or feel she could say no because of the abuse that happened to her as a child. She did not feel she could ever be monogamous but is now currently in therapy for the abuse.

#7 I think in a monogamous relationship you must understand that both you and your partner will have the urge to sleep with other people. You both will be attracted to other people. You both will find other people attractive and sexy. You should not feel jealous or diminished by your partner’s acknowledgement of someone else’s attractiveness or frightend by your own attraction to someone else. Neither is an indication that cheating is about to occur or that your relationship is in trouble or that you or your partner is not trustworthy. Relax, it’s normal and natural to occassionally be attracted to other people. You can choose not to act on it and choose to trust that your partner won’t act on it. Talk about it, be open with your partner about it.

#8 If in the event that either of you feels you want to cheat or that you can’t stop it from happening, I think both people in a monogamous relationship should agree to talk about physically engaging with another person before it happens. This way you are respecting your partner by not depriving them of the sex life they want, which is a monogamous relationship. Nor are you putting your partner’s health at risk by introducing someone else’s body fluids into their body (even kissing is an exchange of fluids), which is gross, unfair, and potentially life-threatening. It also gives you and your partner the opportunity to talk you out of it, and to remember why you wanted to be in a monogamous relationship in the first place. Most importantly it gives your partner a heads-up (no pun intended, ha) warning so that they can make an informed choice about whether to have sex with you again sans safe-sex practices.

Some possible questions to discuss with your partner before entering a monogamous relationship:

Why do you want to be in a monogamous relationship? What is your reason or motivation for wanting this?

Are you a truthful person? If not, can you learn to be truthful?

Have you ever cheated on anyone? If so, why did you do it? How did it make you feel?

Have you ever been cheated on? If so, how did it make you feel?

Is sex something that just happens to you? Or are you able to determine when and with who you will have sex?

Do you have boundaries on your body?

Do you respect boundaries on other people’s bodies?

Are you able to tell when someone is flirting with you? Are you able to know when someone is sexually pursuing you?

Do you have friends of the opposite sex (same sex if gay)? If so, have you ever had sex with your friends?

Are there sex acts you refuse to ever do and how will that affect your partner?

Are you emotionally connected with your partner? If not, why not?

Update 5/26/07:

The book is almost done and I have a page for it: Musing Monogamy Book
How-to book on making monogamy work for your relationship. Deals with setting boundaries, jealousy, infidelity and trust issues. All these questions and more in the book! Your pre-order now helps with publishing costs. Thank you!

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