(Read Part 1 and Part 2 for the whole story)

Now though I did not agree with much of what dark daughta wrote, I liked the way she wrote. She’s a good writer, so even though I didn’t agree with much of what she wrote I wanted to talk to her more. So I wrote her off board, we exchanged a few emails, she got even saltier at me because she felt I was blowing off her perspective on it. I wasn’t, at all. Finally I asked her Well are you saying that unless me and my husband have sex with other people we are oppressing you? even asked her on her blog, and she never answered the question. Here’s a snippet of our interaction:

trula said…

Yes, I went ahead and wrote my article. My article was pro-monogamy, which I told you it was from jump. Perhaps you are unable to see how monogamy can be anything but oppressive to you and yours. Ok, that’s fine, but I am not going to change my article because you cannot see my point of view.

I asked you tell me how my monogamous relationship hurt you and your children. On an individual level. And you did not and cannot tell me how my relationship is personally hurting you or causing harm to you and your family.

As much as I would not ever choose polyamory for myself, I have no issue with others choosing it. I have no desire to police any one else’s bedroom/sexual activity/sexual lifestyle, and I am astonished that you feel compelled to police mine.

2:28 PM
Dark Daughta said…

So,
You’ve decided to not read and assimilate what I’m saying to you as I try to get my point across. Now, I’m actually oppressing you and attempting to limit your personal freedom. Simple.

3:17 PM
Trula said…

Are you really saying you know what I have and have not read or assimilated? Incredible!

I have one more question for you. Are you saying that, unless my husband and I have sex with other people, we are opressing you and yours with our relationship?

Do you not think it’s possible for 2 people to consciously choose monogamy as a viable mode of sexual expression?

Personally I feel that heterosexual monogamy is just as valid a choice as bisexual polyamory. To each their own. My husband and I made a conscious choice to be monogamous based on our mutual sexual histories and also knowing that polyamory would actually limit our sex lives. By that I mean that neither of us enjoy certain sex acts such as oral sex using condoms or dental dams. So we would not be having oral sex with others, which would cut down a big part of our sexual enjoyment. I could barely tolerate condoms for intercourse.

Perhaps there are actually polyamorous/multiple partner people who do practice safe sex every single time and with every single partner…but I have not met any. Every single person and/or couple who have approached me/us to have sex with them admitted to not always having safe sex. Given my own and my husband’s dislike of condoms, we probably would be irresponsible like that had we chosen polyamory.

We both wanted to enjoy a thriving sex life without fear of contagion or having to hinder our sexual enjoyment with barrier methods. My husband also did not want to have children outside of our relationship, which is always a possibility when having sex with women of reproductive age even with protection. I also did not want to have children with other men, which again would be a possibility. We both had also been stalked in the past and had jealous/controlling lovers, so we both also did not want to have to deal with the possiblity of a lover becoming jealous of our marriage. So weighing the pros and cons, we made a conscious decision to be monogamous.

Is it possible that you can extend understanding of that? or will you still insist that our relationship is ‘oppressive’ and ‘exploitive’? Oppressive and exploitive to who? This is something we have both willingly chosen.

You posted on your blog as well as hipmama statements such as ‘Down with monogmay!’ and ‘Anyone in a monogamous relationship or that is married better check their relationship, because they are tools of exploitation and oppression. I seek to end marraige as an institution’. Excuse me, that does indicate to me that you are trying to limit my personal freedom. That you want people like me not to have the option for marriage and monogamy.
More

When all is said and done though, I think she would be an awesome speaker about polyamory. I asked her to do a workshop on polyamory for the MamaGathering because we have many women interested in it who would like to know more, possibly choose it for themselves. What disturbs me about this woman is not her mode of sexual expression but her inability to see that others have the same right to choose the exact opposite mode of sexual expression. Like I can’t really be a radical, critical, anti-oppression, activist mama unless I choose to sleep with more than one person. Sigh. I respect her decision to choose a life and way of loving that works for her and her family. Why can’t she respect mine?

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