This. Book. Is. AWESOME.

It’s by Patricia Evans who wrote the also awesome book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. I initially got this book for a close friend of mine who is trying to come to terms with being in a physically abusive relationship. I have been there, and she knows this, but she does not think her relationship is ‘nearly as bad’ as what I went through. After all, the man who abused me threw me down a flight of stairs and caused me to miscarry a baby; chased me down in the street and slammed/banged my head on the sidewalk repeatedly leaving me with multiple fractures to my skull and permanent brain injury, and threatened me with a hatchet in front of our child. Among other things. All her abuser has done is give her a black eye or two. Oh yeah, he yells at her almost every day, spits on her, and threatens her often.

What strikes me most is how he tries to control her every move. The last time I was over her house (over a year ago, and the abuse has since become physical), he came in and refused to speak to me after I said hello. The phone rang, she answered it, and he flew into a rage, yelling Who is it, who is it! Why are you always on the phone! It was their pediatrician, calling back about tests results for their baby. Man. It is almost textbook, and he is following the pattern that my abuser did. It reminded me so much of how my abuser was…he was very mad or fearful of me being on the phone, and it got to the point where he just took the phone with him when he left the house.

So I got her this book, and we are reading it together. I know some of you out there are currently being verbally and/or physically abused. If at all possible, get this book as soon as possible. I found it to be an eye-opener, because not only does she talk about why some people try to control others, she talks about why some people allow themselves to be controlled. This was very helpful for me to read because I did not understand why this happened to me. Why did I allow it, why did I allow someone else to control me?

Another thing this book answered for me was the Big Why. Not only why did he abuse me, but why did the man who claimed to love me want to kill me when I left him? No one could ever explain this to me, other than saying he was crazy. Ok, he was crazy, I was crazy to take it, but what was the logic in/for his craziness?

You have to read the book to get a fuller understanding of it, but basically she is saying that controlling people feel very disconnected from themselves and the world, and so invest all their connection to reality and humanity into one person. They have built up a fantasy person, often subconsciously, who knows them intimately and who is their entire world and reason for living. When they meet someone and fall in love, they project this fantasy person into them. Often they don’t even know they are doing this and certainly the beloved one doesn’t know. The control and abuse starts when the actual real person behaves in any way different than the fantasy person. The controller/abuser panics, because independent thought, words, and actions means the beloved can leave at any time.

If the beloved does leave, it truly feels like life-and-death to the abuser because then they feel they have no connection to anything or anybody. When someones stalks someone else, it is not the actual real person they want back…they want the body back that is hosting their fantasy person!!! When controllers/abusers say that they cannot live without you or will kill themselves if you leave, they often actually feel this way because they are so disconnected from not only reality, but from themselves. They do not even have a connection with themselves. So controllers/abusers will stalk and even kill someone to prevent them leaving with their fantasy person, to prevent feeling profoundly lost and disconnected and alone in the world. Once they have killed the host body for their fantasy person, they realize that their most horrible nightmare has come true, they are alone and disconnected, so they kill themselves.

She gives great advice with how to deal with controllers. Number one best advice: do not give them credence to their wacky beliefs. This was a big eye-opener to me because I am quick to try to correct anyone’s mistaken belief about me. This is a no-no, because by doing so you give them credence to support their belief. If you come across anyone who says something erroneous about you, dont try to correct them. This never works with controllers…NEVER. I remember my young 19-year old self trying in vain to tell/explain/show this man that I was not stupid, I was not lazy, I was not dumb, I was not ugly, etc. I felt that if I could only say or show to him that I was not all the things he said I was, he would stop saying them and start being nice to me. Uh uh. It doesn’t work that way, because a controller/abuser cannot even hear you…they are not relating to you as an actual person, but as their fantasy person.

Ok, I will stop because I could go on forever about this book. My friend is still with her husband, still being abused, but she is taking a big step just by seeking to understand why this is happening to her. I hope and pray that she realizes she has the power to leave her abuser. I hope and pray that all of you out there realize that you do too.

I was 20 1/2 when I left. I just turned 34. I have had almost 14 years, 14 years! of freedom and happiness and self-direction. When I was 20 I could not even imagine the life I lead today. No one yelling at me or slapping me around or throwing things at me or spitting on me. I can go where I want, I can dress how I like. I can talk on the phone with my friends and family, shoot I can have friends, I can see my family. I can make plans for my future, I can use my talents in my career. Best of all, my children do not live in fear. It has not always been easy and I would be lying if I said I didn’t have moments of confusion and backsliding. But I did it, and you can too. You don’t have to live this way.

http://www.patriciaevans.com/

Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You

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