I’m really consumed with money lately. The making it, the having it, the spending it. Mostly the making it. I sent out my resume to a bunch of places, and now months later I’m finally get called back. I figure I’ve got this degree, I might as well use it, right? Wrong. Iyende is 16 and going into 11th grade, I’ve only got 2 more years with her before she’s out into the world. The boys do not want me to work outside the home at all, they are adamant about me being here to get them off to school and home when they get back and able to take them to all of their activities and things. Iyende says she doesn’t mind if I worked full-time, but earlier this year when I did her grades plummeted and she acted out in other ways. And the house and the cooking and all of that will suffer. My working full-time decreases the quality of our home life. I feel I need to be here. I have to be here.

I feel guilty because there are plenty of people looking for work who are having a difficult time. At any rate I was able to turn down jobs with a clear conscience, because we are down to one car now. Most I just couldn’t get to because of conflicts with Brian’s school and work schedule. Brian just wants me to bring in some money until he finishes graduate school, which will be after fall semester. He recently got a teaching job lined up starting in the fall so his nervousness about our financial situation has abated somewhat, though he still plans to hold on to his part-time job at the pizza place as well. He tells me not to be so picky, just work somewhere close to us I could walk to while the kids are in school, or make more money with my writing. That makes sense but I feel like, I’m not working at a fast-food place and I have a college degree! In some ways I’m a snob.

Both of us are excited at the money I’m making now through my biz, although lately it’s been going to pay essential bills, not going back into the biz for other projects I’ve got planned. Although I’m grateful for my 2 investors, the money they expended is not nearly enough. I’m torn between making do with what I have and finding BIG money investors so I can get shit done. I enjoy teaching writing classes and workshops but the money is not all that good. I need to hustle, really get it together and figure out how I can make some real money with my stuff.

And then there’s my parents. My father is over 80, and though he’s worn out and tired he still wants to work if anybody would hire him. My mother recently came out of retirement to work a full-time job doing social work again, and she’s so tired out at the end of every work day. This hurts my heart. They could make it on their retirement money but it was a pinch, each month. I used to be able to send them $100 every other week, but now I can’t. I want to be able to help my parents. I want them to have extras. I want my mother to be able to buy her art supplies or a new book or a pretty new scarf. I want my dad to splurge on $4 coffee or whatever at a coffeeshop and to buy his newspapers. It hurts my heart that my dad can’t get the New York Times every day. Such a little thing. I want them to have cable TV so my dad can see CNN, and not have to turn down the heat in the winter. I want them to be comfortable. I want them to be able to take out their grandkids every now and then without worrying how they will afford a lunch. They’ve done so much for me, and I have a lot of anger at myself for not having enough money to provide for them and I have anger at my brothers and sisters for not helping them.

Out of all my siblings, there are 5 of us girls and 2 brothers who could send our folks something every month. If we all just sent $100 that $700 would make a world of difference to my folks. Though my parents never asked for money from us, we all knew when they were having money troubles. And I was the only one to help them with money without complaining. That hurts, especially from my brothers and sisters who are my mothers’ step-children. She worked so hard to provide for them, for all of us, when we were growing up. And now they don’t care about her like they should. It burns me up. I think of all the private schools, summer camp, college tuition, that she did for them. I think of all the years she wore the same shoes and old dresses so that we could have something. All the scrimping, all the clothes she made for us as well as the current fashions, all the great meals from scratch, all the going without for her children. All while holding down a full-time job and helping my dad with his business and career. I wonder why my siblings don’t seem to care about how our parents are doing now, care enough to send a little money which I know for a fact they have. I feel that our father should not have to worry about money at his age or be consumed with guilt for our mother working. I feel that our mother should not have to work now. I want to take care of her. I will take care of her.

No related posts.

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.