I was reading over at Hip Mama about a poster having trouble with her husband’s mother. Just after I finished writing my two cents on the subject, my friend Amy called to bitch about her mother-in-law. Then I called my friend Diane E. to see if she can come to my graduation party, and she starts going off about her mother-in-law. Is there something in the water? What’s the deal?

I kinda had to laugh at Amy because she was one of my friends who acted like I was completely stupid for moving around the corner from Brian’s mom. But then what does she do? Last year before Christmas they moved, you guessed it, a block away from her in-laws. I was actually expecting the shit to hit the fan much earlier. I have to give Amy a lot of props for holding it down for so long.

Things are a lot better between me and Brian since we almost divorced in 2002. Because I chose to stay married to him and because she is a good grandmother who loves my children, I am trying to be a good person and forgive and forget how mean his mother was to me but it is very hard. I am not a good person, I guess. This is a woman who is the primary reason why my husband refused to move to San Diego, our intended city of choice, after promising me for years and years. This is a woman who pitched a fit after I asked her not to buy or give my children toy guns. This is a woman who told Brian I was lazy!! after I had to quit a job even though the doctor ordered me to and I was very close to being hospitalized. I could go on.

Instead of focusing on the negative I’m going to use my experiences and those of my friends as daughters-in-law to develop The Mother-In-Law Pledge. I will use this pledge in the future for when my children are married. Keep in mind this is a rough draft (still respect my copyright), I will refine and amend this ASAP. Ok, here goes:

1. I will understand my child is grown. I cannot do the job of raising him or her anymore. I will understand that now is the time for my child to be united with his or her partner, not with me. I will not feel jealousy or feel slighted now that I am no longer the most important person in my child’s life. Instead, I will understand that I did an excellent job in raising a person who is willing to undertake the difficult joy of partnering with another human being.

2. I will respect my child’s partner. This may not be the person I would have chosen or envisioned for my child. I will understand, however, that this is the person my child has chosen to partner with in this life.

3. I will stay out of my child’s relationship. I will understand that the only people who really know everything that goes on in a marriage are the 2 people involved in it. I will respect my child’s feelings of hurt, anger, or sadness during times of stress in his or her marriage and I will comfort my child, but I will not call his or her spouse names or in other ways disparage their character, nor will I suggest that they separate or divorce (unless violence is involved). I will understand that my child is not perfect and has probably done an equal share of contributing to problems in his or her marriage.

4. I will do my best to make my child’s partner feel welcome and included into our family. I will invite him or her to all family events and I will include him or her in the conversations. I will not seat my son or daughter-in-law separate from the rest of the family, and I will not insist that my child sit with me.

5. I will give gifts to my child and his or her partner and their children with an open heart. I will not ever use gift-giving against them or fling it back in their faces how much I have given them. I will understand my child and son or daughter-in-law owe me nothing for anything material I have given them, and that my gifts do not give me any right to meddle in their parenting or marital business.

6. I will understand that my time of parenting is over. I will not go against my child or his or her partner’s parenting decisions regarding my grandchildren. If I truly feel the need to parent again, I will adopt or foster a child.

7. I will befriend my child’s partner; I will call just to speak to him or her. I will acknowledge his or her birthday. I will try to get to know him or her as a separate person apart from being married to my child.

8. I will respect the space and privacy of my child and his or her partner. I will not go to their home un-invited. I will not open their mail, I will not move their furniture about, I will not cook their food, etc. I will not even do a bit of tidying up, because my son or daughter-in-law may take this as a reflection on their housekeeping skills. If I feel compelled to comment on the state of their house, I will remember what it’s like to have children in a household and how hard it is to keep a house perfectly clean with children around. I will remember that I did not always keep a clean and tidy home then.

9. I will not make plans for, with, or about my grandchildren without first consulting both my child and his or her partner. I will not make promises to my grandchildren about places I will take them or things I will buy them without first talking it over with my child and his or her partner. I will understand that not doing so only causes resentment and anger from my child and son or daughter-in-law and grief and confusion for my grandchild if it turns out they cannot go.

10. I will remember my own experiences as a daughter-in-law and never, ever, ever make any future daughter or son-in-law of mine feel slighted, embarrassed, ashamed, or hurt. I will treat my son or daughter-in-law exactly how I want my child treated by his or her in-laws.

Called up both Amy and Diane to read this to them. They said they wanted copies; one for themselves and one for their mothers-in-law.

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