One of the things that Brian does that grates on my nerves is he likes to wake me up in the morning when he’s feeling amorous. This really, really bothers me. I have chronic insomnia. I do not sleep well. Once asleep, it’s touch and go if I stay asleep for more than 4 hours at a stretch. Once asleep, please let me sleep.

Especially since we fooled around twice the night before! See, I love fooling around just as much as Brian does. I’m a sex-positive woman. I’m young and healthy, everything works. My husband is not starved for physical attention; I do not ration it out or dole it out as a favor or withold sex to punish him. Whenever he hears about the frequency of the ‘average’ married couple he laughs, because we are way above average. So I don’t understand why this man feels compelled to wake me up for romping around and then acts as if he’s being deprived when I am justifiably offended at being woken up. I told him this morning that one of these days he’s going to wake me up and I’m going to stab him in the neck with a pen. I was only half-joking.

I cannot describe to you the rage I felt this morning. How dare he wake me up!! If there is one person on this earth who knows my struggles with sleep, it’s Brian. He’s been there through years of my tossing and turning. He’s seen the effects of lack of sleep on my personality. He’s tried to help me, he’s made me countless cups of herbal tea, he’s sang me quiet songs, he’s rubbed my back. He’s cradled me in his arms and stroked my face as if I were a baby. He knows, he knows how hard it is for me to fall asleep. He’s willingly adjusted his own sleeping habits to help me, from closing the window to turning off the radio to sleeping under mounds of covers. He’s seen me diligently try to develop better sleeping habits. I’ve been trying very hard to sleep at least 6 hours a day and some nights I’ve been successful at falling back asleep after my four hour wake-up.

Now I do empathize with my husband’s plight. I am very cute and alluring and I have a curvy body. I use scrubby gloves when I wash and I lotion my body from head to foot every day so I have soft, soft skin. I have long curly eyelashes that appear to rest on my cheekbones when I sleep, and my full lips naturally curve into a come-hither pout. Some mornings I look crunchy but most of the time I am a vision of loveliness and delectable to the touch. I can see how anybody sleeping next to me would be overcome with passion, I really do. But when I’m sleeping, you keep your passion to yourself! Because I need all the sleep I can get.

After Brian got up and got dressed I explained to him how I felt. To my credit I did not shout or use harsh language or call him names, something I might have done in the past. I calmly asked him not wake me up and explained how hurt and angry it made me feel; how insulted I felt that he was acting as if his being aroused was more important than my getting the sleep I need. He said ok. That’s it! Ok. No apology, no seeming like he was even listening. We’ll see tomorrow morning if he was listening, all right. I’ve got my pen.

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